Reacting to Criticism

Dear Muhamad,

It's inevitable, really. If you spend time with people, you will get criticized. Not by everyone (hopefully) or about everything (hopefully), but people, by nature, can't seem to get by without offering (supposedly) helpful advice or feedback.

Let's get clear on one thing- criticism never feels good. Nobody likes it, especially when it feels unwarranted or is very severe.

The most you can do, really, is reshape your thoughts and feelings about criticism. I'd like to start by sharing with you that no place in life is as rife with criticism as graduate school.

In the guise of intellectual integrity or sophisticated discourse, there is a great deal of back-stabbing that happens. All of this can get in your way; muddying your feelings and making it hard to focus on the dissertation.

I spoke with someone about this earlier today. She is working on her dissertation and is also working full-time as a lecturer. She is struggling because she has little time to work on her dissertation (though she desperately wants to finish) and she's having some interpersonal problems with the chair of her department, who seems to be constantly criticizing her teaching skills, style, and approach to the subject matter in her classes.

As you can imagine, she's already overworked, kind of stressed out, and is having trouble focusing on the dissertation.

Now, I don't expect anyone to focus 100% on the dissertation when "LIFE" is going on, but, really, for this particular individual, finishing her dissertation is the fastest route to get out of her current situation.

In the meantime, though, here's what I suggested to her about dealing with the criticism, and I expect it will be useful for you too:

Criticism hurts more when you don't have enough social support in your life. When you don't have at least 5 people who think you're wonderful no matter what criticism cuts more deeply.

Criticism hurts worse when you are tired, stressed, or have run yourself ragged. When you are feeling good, it's difficult to take criticism so personally.

Criticism is not always in your best interest, and isn't always meant to serve you. If it hurts you, it's never helpful. You can ask people to provide feedback in more constructive ways.

Finally, when you have been (or felt) criticized, your best bet is to try and distract yourself as soon as you can. Don't relive the criticism over and over- that just makes it bigger and feels worse.

Talk out any criticism with people who love you, and aim to work through it as soon as possible. Don't pretend it didn't hurt. Instead, find a way to make it better.

See You Next Time,

-Dr. Rachna-

What's Your Contribution to the Chaos?

Dear All,

I've heard from a few of you over this past week-and several of you have been noting that dealing with your advisor is chaotic and stressful.

From complaints of "s/he doesn't return my emails" and "s/he doesn't seem to read what I send" to" s/he won't let me sent a defense date"- all these issues would make dealing with your advisors chaotic and stressful. However, since there is, likely, very little that you can do to change your advisor, my question for you is, "What's your contribution to the chaos?".

Not that the chaos is your fault, mind you, but how are you contributing to it? Asked another way, how are you helping to keep the chaos in place? What is maintaining it? (And though it might be tempting to answer, "the only thing maintaining it is my advisor")- that's not true.

Any relationship involves at least two people. Both have a responsibility and a contribution to the functionings of that relationship.

Not to say you're purposely contributing to the chaos. But could you be doing it accidentally? Are you missing deadlines? Are you canceling and rescheduling meetings multiple times?

Are you demanding fast responses when you don't give them yourself? Do you keep changing your mind, ideas, topic, or approach?

Are you avoiding clear and direct communication? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be contributing to the chaos within your advisory relationship.

What can you do to behave more congruently and consistently?

How would this aid your dissertation progress?       

Until Next Time,

-Dr. Rachna-

Ph.D Tip: Avoid Bad Job News

Dear Muhamad,

The title for this issue came to me after a few conversations with my PhD students over the past few weeks, all of which centered on how poor the job prospects are for those with PhD degrees, especially within academia. The educational chronicles and relevant periodicals are forecasting doom and gloom for those seeking employment within the ivory tower after graduation.

Not surprisingly, the amount of bad job news my PhD students have been focusing on is having a direct impact on their level of motivation and focus to get the dissertation done. (They think it might be coincidence, I know it's not.)

Here's the thing, basically: There are always one thousand reasons to NOT finish your dissertation - and really only 1 reason to finish: Because you want to. The 1,000:1 odds aren't good, but finishing your dissertation is also not impossible.

I have helped six more people finish this semester, alone, and most of these people told me, at the beginning of our work together, that they weren't sure they could finish- and they weren't sure it's worth finishing. Now, interestingly, since they have finished - they are really, really glad they did.

So if you're looking to weigh your reasons not to finish against your reasons to finish, you'll almost always find more reasons NOT to finish than you will to finish.

But that still won't take away your desire to finish.

And I believe your 1 desire to finish can be, with the right support, reasonable goals, and consistent progress - that 1 desire can be stronger than 1,000 reasons.

Unless you are really going to quit your program right now, I'd strongly suggest you avoid all forecasting about the future. It's demotivating. You don't know what your specific future will hold or bring, and reading broad statistics isn't going to help you.

Yes, it is important to have a general sense of what's going on in the world, of course, but if you find that reading bad job news is making you feel badly, then stop doing it. Watching the news makes me feel badly a lot of the time, and I don't do that either.

Ok, so I may not be so current on all the world affairs; that's true- but at the same time, I sleep a lot better in my relative ignorance.

I'm advocating relative ignorance for you too. It doesn't matter how bleak your prospects look, your choice is always the same: either you finish, or you don't. That's all.

If you decide not to finish, cut your losses now, and do something else.

If you would like to finish, but feel your dissertation process is harder than it needs to be, seek help, assistance or support to make it better. Suffering is optional.

But once you decide that you do want to finish, take your next step, and your next, and believe me, doors will open at the right time, and things will work out for you.

When you are clear in your intention and focused in your desire, you can make anything happen.

No matter what the statistics say.

Until Next Time,

-Dr. Rachna-

Mission Accomplished...

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